February

I’m breathing easier this month, since the sun came out. I booked myself solid and shot myself back to sanity (although unfortunately only two of these shoots are currently releasable.)

I don't remember February in terms of anything I did, but in things I created, learned, or just thought about for too long. What will stick in my mind about February is how much I’ve been thinking about this book I've been reading; (The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat) more specifically the chapter "Incontinent Nostalgia"  where an elderly woman being treated for Parkinsons and Alezheimers has an unusual reaction to her medication, and experiences extreme “reminiscence", e.g. can’t stop physically hallucinating vivid memories of her childhood that she had until that moment, forgotten. Whenever my mind is wandering it thinks a lot about what these hallucinations might have looked like and it’s spilling over into all aspects of my creative life. 

It's also been wandering in and out of the concept of photographic style; what shapes it and influences it. I feel like the reasons I photograph have always remained mostly the same: striving to see things/capture things the way I did as a child. And of course I always meant that philosophically, but this month I also mean physically. The way I would visually perceive things as a child was so different and I can only barely remember it, I don’t think any adult truly does. But the way the colors burned, the way lights flicker with your eyes half open pretending to be asleep. The way the edges vibrated whenever you felt anything intensely, how the blacks were still so black even with the lights on.

I think about how at the perfect angle I could cover my right eye and convince myself the staircase was 5000 steps taller, which I think is why I close my left and try to make it real: